The Top 6 KISS Posters (in my room)

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#6:  Paul Displays His Instrument (1977):

I like to think I am comfortable in my own sexuality and generally relaxed with regard to the proclivities of others.  I suffer from no need to sew on and display any particular identifying patch and would describe myself, at this stage, as profoundly bored with the entire idea of even caring which way others’ winds blow.  And yet, I find myself unable to give this soft-lit masterpiece the wall space it deserves.  As much as I hate to admit it, Mr. Stanley is simply too pretty here.  He intimidates me.  I find him disquieting, a threat to the calmness of my seas.  As such, he is left to stare out at me from his cluttered corner, those searing eyes a constant reminder of my weakness.  He knows that he deserves better.

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#5:  U.S. Tour (1976):

I wonder how visitors view this one. Is it a demonstration of patriotism or an indicator of disrespect for national symbols and narrative?  Is it rebellious rock and roll or kitschy bubblegum?  What it certainly is not is evocative of the music that induced my younger self to march proudly in the KISS Army; the cartoonish buffoons here were certainly not my ranking Gods of Thunder.  Is pursed-lip Paul meant to be stern or stoic?  Is Peter forlorn or just a lost kitty?  Gene’s expression seems less demonic than responsive to whatever Ace is doing with the butt end of that flagpole behind him.  And speaking of Ace, what the hell is he so happy about?  Does he already foresee just how much better his solo album will be than those of two-thirds of his band-mates?  I have no answers, and yet the poster remains up, albeit skeptically.

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#4:  Destroyer! (1976):

Nothing cartoonish about this winner!  Our heroes have achieved transcendence.  They are beyond the need for rational footing or, as so epically revealed by Ace, any kind of physio-mechanical logic in their corporeal magnificence.  It is not they who lay waste; it is rather they who reign glorious above the existing wastelands.  They come to carry us with them, to lead us over the, err… jagged coal-brick peaks to the plains of sweet pain beyond.  (They know we want it: Yes we do, yes we do!)  We comply with their command to kneel, clutching our breasts and offering up our virgin souls to be robbed at their whim.

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#3:  The Alive II Stage (1977):

Behold the true spectacle of KISS in their greatest glory.  It doesn’t matter what came later; not tanks, 3-D glasses, nor fire-ladder extensions floating Paul over rapt audiences.  This was the stage on which we dreamed of seeing KISS live.  What could be better than dual stairways to Peter and bat-wing Gene shadowed by his similarly-feathered Rod of Asclepius, unless it were the sparking gold-plated, sorta-sickly house-cat pair backgrounding for feathered-hair Ace and his sunburst Gibson as he did battle with soft-lit Paul and his all-over man’s mane for stage-left platform time.  This is what I expect my ascension to heaven to look like should the net of my works rate; it is too magnificent for simple grace.

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#2:  Love Gun (1977):

Where Destroyer emphasized the lean, Love Gun accentuates the rippling bulk.  Soaring buoyancy is set aside in favor of rock-hard permanence.  Our stainless steel idols no longer simply reign from above, they now rule supreme right here in our midst.  We do not pretend to lustful fantasies of cavorting on the steps with our leaders’ painted sirens; our unworthy minds reject such nonsense outright.  We question not the division between what is given unto us, and what is forever beyond our station.  We see our Lords and we rejoice in their gifts.  (If only maybe they’d thought twice before gifting us “And Then She Kissed Me” and “Hooligan.”)

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#1:  The Epitome of All That Is Rock (1975):

Words cannot suffice.  Here we have that which is felt, yet not touched.  The ephemeral essence and spiritual truth of our divine hard rock is magically encapsulated in this impossible-and-yet-here-extant image.  Paul asserts; Ace soars; Gene conjures; and Peter exalts.  We hear the truth and it sets us free: God gave Rock and Roll to us, putting it in the soul of everyone.  And whosoever would deny it, in fact denies only himself.  Yep, this is the best poster.